The Battle Within

Lately I’ve been having problems with my family, I’ve been here before and my old ways are starting to creep into my mind tempting me to do things that would not do any good but will only make me drown in an ocean of bitterness and resentment. It actually is starting to get into me. It feels like darkness, it is darkness… and I don’t want it to control me. I want God to lead me every time, at all times especially during these times that I need more faith to hold on to Him. I felt like I’m going back to the way I used to be and fighting what I’m feeling makes it easier for my old nature to sink deep into my heart.

It’s not easy, in fact it’s a lot harder today than it is before. I’m on a battle with my self; my biggest enemy that I cannot seem to get an escape from. Then I got reminded of Romans 7 and 8.

In Romans 7: 15-20 Paul said: I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I don’t want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is no longer myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  He is struggling, obviously. This part of the Scripture speaks to me right now. I know what to do, I know that I should do the noble things but somewhere inside of me is the sin that stops me in doing what is right. And then I get ashamed, I get confused and I get frustrated that it hindered me from asking for my Father’s help which is another thing that’s making me sad. I desperately want to talk to Him every moment especially at times like this but my guilt stops me from doing so. I wanted to focus on Him yet I get fickle minded, like something inside me is shouting that He is not going with me on this for I have sinned against Him. Yet again His Word is powerful and full of hope, in Romans 7:24-25 “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through JESUS CHRIST our LORD!” Isn’t it enlightening? That He who knows our sins also is the only one who can save us from it and He actually already saved us, we just needed to put all our faith in Him. It doesn’t end there Romans 8:1 says “Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  Then it hit me, I shouldn’t feel ashamed for Jesus would not condemn me. He already paid my debts and I need nothing more to do but fix my eyes on Him and solely trust in His name. I’m grateful, beyond grateful that Jesus found me and is continuously giving me His strength and peace.

Now I have to admit I still am a bit confused right now and I still can’t figure out when this problem is going to get done. But I know and I am confident that my God, my Father got it all under control and as long as I’m with Him, everything is going to turn out fine. It might get painful in this life but God knows it all and I am sure that if He allows me to get through this, it’s only because He wants me to grow in faith and learn from it.

I am thankful that God never leaves my side. I go frustrated and rude yet He loves me anyway. Also, I thank Him for His people who are always there to encourage me and remind me that He is faithful and there is nothing He can’t do. I thank God for people who do not give up on  reminding me to do what is right and do it not just for the sake of doing it but to do it because I am loved by a great God who gives it all for me.